


To Serve No More

by MirandaRoseOfSkywall (lostinmymindforever)



Series: The Loves of Khadgar [2]
Category: Warcraft (2016), Warcraft - All Media Types, World of Warcraft
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Heartbreak, M/M, Past Relationship(s), different realities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-26 08:47:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7567753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinmymindforever/pseuds/MirandaRoseOfSkywall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This isn’t his world, isn’t his timeline, and yet he can’t help but be angered by what he sees. He’s not sure if the young King is being purposely cruel or he’s just ignorant of how his actions are hurting someone, but in either event Lothar is angry. He’s angry because of the look he sees on the face of the Archmage whenever the King says his name, angry because of the almost casual way the King dismisses the Archmage, angry because of the way he sees the King search out the Archmage only to send him away when he’s gotten what he’s needed from him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Serve No More

**Author's Note:**

> Since I broke my own heart (and so many of yours) writing the first fic I needed to fix thngs

While Lothar wouldn’t say he hates magic users, sometimes he can’t stand their actions or their meddling. He’d been in a fight with one, a verbal spat in all reality, where he was right and the kid was wrong and Lothar would be damned if he let a child, even if it was Medivh’s grandson, win, and the little brat had sent him here. That had been a month prior and he was still no closer to finding a way home. In his time on this Azeroth he has already seen quite a lot.

This isn’t his world, isn’t his timeline, and yet he can’t help but be angered by what he sees. He’s not sure if the young King is being purposely cruel or he’s just ignorant of how his actions are hurting someone, but in either event Lothar is angry. He’s angry because of the look he sees on the face of the Archmage whenever the King says his name, angry because of the almost casual way the King dismisses the Archmage, angry because of the way he sees the King search out the Archmage only to send him away when he’s gotten what he’s needed from him.

Finally Lothar has had enough, he locates the King, sneaking out of the Archmage’s rooms as if he was some sort of thief in the night, and Lothar briefly sees nothing but white hot rage. He calms himself, moving swiftly to catch up with the young King.

“I’m not sure if you’re either a complete and utter asshole or too ignorant to see what you are doing,” he hisses.

The King looks at him with a shocked expression on his face, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Khadgar. How you treat him.” Once more the King looks confused and Lothar realizes that the boy has no idea what he means. “You really don’t understand, do you? You don’t see how hurt he is by how you treat him.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” the King said, his voice sounding so very young.

“By the Light, Your Highness,” Lothar hissed, trying to keep his voice down, “you are breaking the man’s heart. You treat him like he’s a pet, a toy to play with and then just toss him aside when you don’t need him anymore.”

“No, no I don’t,” the King whispered, shaking his head in denial.

“I’ve been here less than two months and I’ve seen it. I see how hurt he looks when you send him away. You really don’t get it, do you? He’s a person, he’s not just some thing to be used. And like it or not you are using him, even if you won’t admit it to yourself.”

“You’re wrong,” the King denied, his jaw clenching in anger, “I am not using him. I… I love him.”

Lothar sighed, closing his eyes tightly. The boy didn’t get it, the boy didn’t understand what he was doing wouldn’t end well. “And what happens when you get married? What happens when you start a family, have an heir? What happens then?”

The King looked like he’d been slapped at those words, as if he’d never thought about that sort of thing before. “But...”

“You’ll have no use for him, no place for him, and he knows it. He knows that no matter what you think you feel for him right now it can never last.”

“And how would you know that?” the King hissed angrily, hands clenching into fists at his sides.

“Because I’ve lived through that very same thing. I’ve had to sit back and pretend I didn’t have my heart ripped out by the person who claimed to love me because he had a duty to his Kingdom, because he had to settle down and marry and have an heir. I know because I’ve seen the look he gets on his face in my own reflection.” Lothar was angry, “You Wrynn men are all the same.”

“That’s not true. It can’t be true,” the King said, his voice sounding broken.

“It is true and we both know it. You’re using him. You might have even convinced yourself that what you are doing is right, that it’s not hurting anyone, but you are hurting him.”

“He’d say something if I was...” the King said, still trying to deny what Lothar was saying.

“Would he? Imagine if you were him, and you’d lost everything else. Would you say something? Would you give up even the illusion of happiness?”

The King began to cry at those words, silent as tears of shame ran down his face. He knew he couldn’t deny it any longer, he’d been using Khadgar, had been hurting him for well over a year now. He know understood why at first Khadgar had tried so hard to resist him, why he’d fought off his advances. How had he not seen what he was doing to the Archmage? How had he been so cruel to the man who had shown him nothing but kindness, and more recently love? Was he really that sort of man? A man more interested in his own wants and desires than making sure his actions weren’t hurting people? How had he become this person?

Lothar could see realization come over the young King’s face, and while he knew he had been a bit cruel to thrust that knowledge onto the young man he also knew that in the long run it was for the best.

“What do I do? How do I fix this?” the King said, and Lothar felt the anger he had been feeling drain at the broken sound of his voice.

“I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t know if you can fix this, if you can do anything to make this right. No matter what happens someone is going to be hurt. In the end it is going to just come down to who gets hurt worse.”

The King stared at Lothar and finally asked, “How long did it take you to get over it?”

Lothar gave a sad smile, “I’ve never completely gotten over it.” He gave a sad little laugh, “What’s worse is he married my sister.” Lothar sighed, closing his eyes, “I’ve never once tried to interfere in their marriage, I know he loves her dearly, but it still hurts so much, even after all this time.”

The King just stared at him with a sympathetic look. He couldn’t begin to understand what the other man had went through, and yet at the same time he felt the other man’s pain. The King knew that if he allowed his relationship with Khadgar to continue that eventually the Archmage would have that same look on his face, that look of one who had been given everything only to have it snatched cruelly away from him. “I don’t know if he’ll be able to handle it if I end things,” the King whispered sadly.

“Why not?” and Lothar was very curious to find out what the King meant by those words.

The King said softly, “He’s lost everyone else he ever loved, ever cared for. I think, I honestly think that he’d given up hope of being happy before I… before I wore his defenses down. It’s not my story to tell really, and I know I don’t know all of it, but he’s lost so much. I just wanted to give him happiness. I didn’t mean to make things worse for him.” The King paused, a serious look crossing his face, “You’ll talk to him? Maybe he’ll open up more to you, and… I’m such a fool, aren’t I?”

Lothar looked at the young King, realizing just how young the man really was. He’d had no idea that his actions could have such dire consequences. He nodded, noticing a sad smile appear on the King’s face, and watched as the younger man walked away. Lothar turned, walking down the corridor to Khadgar’s rooms, and hesitantly knocked on the door.

“Lothar, hello,” Khadgar greeted him, motioning him to enter.

Lothar could see the somewhat haunted look on the Archmage’s face, and could tell that the man had recently been in tears. “He doesn’t mean to be cruel,” Lothar said before he could think.

Khadgar stiffened, then his shoulders slumped a bit, and he said quietly, looking down at the floor, “I know that. He’s young, doesn’t understand what he’s doing.”

Lothar rested his hand on Khadgar’s shoulder, “That still doesn’t make it right.”

Khadgar sighed, closing his eyes, “I appreciate your concern, Lothar, but it’s not needed. I knew what I was getting into when I gave in to his advances. He’s the King of Stormwind, who was I to tell him no.”

“You’re someone who deserves to be happy. You’re someone who deserves to have someone who can love you completely.”

Khadgar laughed bitterly at those words, but didn’t move away, “I’ve known my whole life that that is something I am never allowed to have. It was written in flames on the day of my birth, hovered over my head as I lay in my mother’s arms. I am not worthy of that.”

“That is bullshit. Some power decides that you aren’t allowed to be completely happy and you just accept it? Screw that. You fight, you defy whatever is saying you aren’t worthy, you live your life to its fullest and screw anyone who says you aren’t allowed love,” Lothar was livid.

“I appreciate your concern, but it’s not warranted. I’m not worth getting angry over.”

Lothar saw white hot rage once more. This wasn’t the Khadgar he had known in his own world, the Khadgar who had been killed saving Llane’s life, the Khadgar Lothar had barely known, and yet Lothar felt such a deep kinship with this man that it broke his heart to hear how resigned to his fate the man seemed. “Don’t tell me I’m not allowed to get angry over something like this. You deserve more than this. I won’t let anyone, not even yourself tell you otherwise.”

“Why do you care?” and now Khadgar had risen his voice, angry and hurting and confused.

“Because I know how you feel, dammit all. I know what it’s like to never be good enough, to not feel worthy of being loved completely without reservation. I know what it’s like to be nothing but a distraction until your King finds a wife. To hear him tell you that he loves you, that he’ll always love you and watch it all slip away. Trust me I know. I know what it’s like to feel so lonely that you’ll take whatever affection is given to you just to fill that aching void.”

Khadgar’s eyes filled with tears, and he cried in a way he hadn’t allowed himself to in decades. Finally he spoke, “But what of Cally?”

“Who?” Lothar had never heard that name before.

“Lothar, my Lothar, the Lothar of this world that is was married to a woman named Cally. They had a son together, Callan, who was born before Llane and Taria married. Cally died giving birth to Callan, but Lothar had loved her deeply.”

Lothar just shook his head sadly, “I’ve never been married, never had any children.”

Khadgar nodded sadly, “I see. But at least you never had to bury your own child.”

Lothar flinched at those words. “You had a child?”

Khadgar shook his head, clarifying, “No. Lothar, the one from this world that is, Lothar had to bury his son. We’d gone to discuss a truce between us and the Frostwolf clan and there was an ambush. Callan was one of the soldiers who died that day. Less than a week later Medivh and Llane were both dead as well,” Khadgar trails off, sadness radiating off of him. “Callan was sweet, he...”

“I’m sorry,” and Lothar knows there isn’t anything more he could say to those words. It was obvious to him now that Khadgar and this Callan had been close, probably even involved.

“It was a long time ago. Decades ago,” Khadgar said softly, moving away from Lothar to go and sit down.

Lothar followed him, taking a seat across from him, “Tell me about him?”

Khadgar laughed, the sound sounding false in Lothar’s ears, “I didn’t know him that well. We’d… it had only been one night, six months before… we’d both had a bit too much to drink and he was so sweet and I just… it wasn’t meant to be. He didn’t even recognize me when we met again… and then not long after he was dead.”

Lothar can hear the bitterness in Khadgar’s voice, can hear the old hurt of possibilities that were stolen, and his heart breaks at that sound. He knows there is more, and decides to just listen, to be the first person who actually listens to Khadgar and doesn’t judge him for the choices he had made. “Tell me...”

Khadgar knows what Lothar is asking of him, this new Anduin Lothar older by a few years than the man he had known, and nods. Closing his eyes he speaks, “Llane… the King… it was only one night, and I… serviced him. It was an honor to be chosen, to be allowed to please the King, and I still don’t regret it, even after all these years. It was nothing more than that, but he still holds a place in my heart.”

Khadgar pauses, as if trying to put to words his thoughts, “Medivh…” he swallows hard, “I’m not sure if in your world the Guardian is to remain celibate, but that is the case in this world. He… he wouldn’t let me touch him, and he never physically touched me but… I’ll never know what it was to him, why he… why me… and… Light it’s been so long and I can still feel it.”

Once more Khadgar falls silent, and Lothar doesn’t interrupt him. “Garona...” he finally says, his voice a bit shaky. “It was… Light… I know she only used me for physical release. She’d been hurt, abused, and I was there, I was… young and willing to just let her take without asking anything in return.” He stopped once more, and this time he turned his attention to Lothar, could see that the man had questions and just nodded, giving Lothar permission to talk.

“Medivh’s daughter? She was abused?”

“Her mother’s people… didn’t take too kindly to her… she was a slave when we met her, she… she said that broken bones healed stronger and that hers were very strong.”

Lothar cursed at those words, “So she wasn’t raised by Medivh in this world.”

Khadgar shook his head, “No. She came through with the Orcs. You mean where you’re from she...”

“Medivh brought her with him when he came back. He said that her mother had been killed for giving birth to her and that he had barely escaped with Garona.” He took a deep breath, then spoke, “Of course she wasn’t known as Garona then, he named her Aegwynn after his mother, but after his passing, when she learned the truth she took the Orc name Garona.”

Khadgar sighed, squeezing Lothar’s hand before speaking, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Khadgar. I was just a bit stunned. I’ve known her, my world’s version of her, for her whole life, so hearing that the girl I watched grow up was abused...”

“I understand.”

They sat silent for a time, before Lothar spoke, “You weren’t finished, I interrupted you.”

“After… after Llane and Medivh and Callan died… Taria… she just needed comfort, needed to feel something other than loss and I gave it to her. I… there’s not much more I can say about that. I don’t regret it, and I don’t wish it had been more than it was, at the time it was what she needed, what we both needed.”

Again he stopped talking, and his face took up a look that told Lothar he was trying to decide if he was going to continue or not. Finally after moments of silence he spoke. “I left soon after to return to Karazhan. There was so much work to be done there, packing up all the tomes and scrolls and spell ingredients and other things that had been collected there. I spent months on the task, sending everything dangerous to Dalaran for them to deal with and all the less dangerous items to Stormwind so I could go through them properly.”

He swallowed, then spoke, “I’d barely been back in Stormwind a minute before Lothar found me. He insisted on helping me, and we spent the day settling me into my new rooms in Stormwind Castle. We… at first it was just out of comfort… clinging to someone, something as tightly as we could… feeling anything but grief and loss. But in time it grew… we… for almost two years… and then he was killed… It had been the first time I’d… that I’d thought that I’d have a chance… but… I knew as soon as I saw him fall… I knew I’d never have...” he stops, unable to keep speaking.

Lothar closes his eyes, it hurts too much to see the tears falling down Khadgar’s face. While he’d never been too close to the Khadgar of his own world, never really gotten to know Medivh’s apprentice that well, he felt a debt towards the man, a debt he knew he could never replace. The Khadgar of his world had been a hero, had sacrificed himself to save Llane’s life, had let himself die to save his Azeroth. And to hear the utter heartbreak in the voice of the man Khadgar could have grown up to be, a man who had lost so much, a man who had loved this world’s version of himself, made him want to weep.

Khadgar began to speak once more, and each word makes Lothar’s heart break, “It was years before I was with anyone else. I hadn’t been planning on it, hadn’t even contemplated doing something like that once more, hadn’t even wanted to open my heart up to another. But Varian… He’d already lost so much and I couldn’t… I couldn’t turn him away. I know I should have been stronger, that I shouldn’t have allowed it to happen, but...”

Khadgar is silent once more, and then his next words come out in a rush, as if he is trying to get this over with, “I went through the portal when it reopened to shut it down from the other side. For years I was there, so far away from this world, from where I had lost so much, and all I had to do was fight, survive, help prevent this world from ever being invaded again. But I failed, the portal was opened once more. I ended up returning to Azeroth, and thought that maybe I’d find peace, but it’s been war, constant fighting, and I knew I was good at that.”

He takes a shaky breath, “So much has happened, and we ended up having to travel to another world, another timeline to stop… to try and save this world. We’d won, not the war but the battle, and returned here, only to have it ripped apart once more.” There’s a pause, and Lothar sees Khadgar looking at his hands, clenching and unclenching them, trying to stop them from shaking, “Varian was killed and Anduin was crowned King. I meant to leave, meant to return to Dalaran, to bury myself away from the world, but he needed me. He needed my guidance, my support, and I let myself be trapped here. I tried, Lothar, by the Light I tried to say no to him, tried to…” his words are choked off by a sob, “and I know it won’t end well for me. I know I… he’ll marry, start a family of his own… and I...”

Lothar moved before thinking, wrapping his arms around Khadgar’s body, pulling the other man against his chest. He felt Khadgar’s body shake as he sobbed against his chest. This man, this Archmage, this grown up version of one of the bravest men he had ever met was broken, broken in a way that Lothar knew all too well. He had no words, knowing anything he said wouldn’t be enough, so he just held the man. It was a long time before Khadgar’s tears stopped, and Lothar knew that this was probably the first time he’d ever allowed himself to let everything all out, that he’d allowed himself to vent the years of frustration and grief he so obviously felt.

“If I could make it better for you I would, Khadgar,” Lothar finally said, his words whispered into Khadgar’s hair. “If I could heal your heart, by the Light I would do it in a heartbeat.”

Khadgar looked up and into Lothar’s eyes, seeing the truth in them. “I know.”

Neither of them saw the King in the doorway, neither of them saw the tears running down his face, tears of shame and grief. He hadn’t understood the damage he had caused, he hadn’t known he was breaking Khadgar, and yet it was plain as day that he had. He slowly left the room, leaving them alone. Anduin now knew he couldn’t allow this thing he had with Khadgar to continue, the Archmage deserved better, deserved more than he could ever possibly give him. He deserved someone who could love him truly with all his or her heart.

And Anduin knew, with as much assurance as he knew his own calling, that Lothar would probably be the one who would be that for Khadgar. He saw how deeply Lothar already cared for Khadgar, how much he hurt for all that Khadgar had been through, for the pain that Anduin himself had helped cause. King Anduin Wrynn returned to his bed chambers, wrapping his arms around his pillow and wept.

Lothar vowed to himself that he would make it his duty, his calling to try and mend Khadgar’s heart. The man deserved more, more than he thought he did. Lothar held Khadgar all through the night, both of them waking stiff and sore from spending the night on the couch like they had, and yet for the first time in many years both of them felt a sense of lightness on their souls.

Neither of them wanted to leave each others presence and before too long Lothar and Khadgar both realized that they had fallen in love with each other. Neither one acted on their feelings as both knew their relationship was impossible, as eventually Lothar would have to leave this world, leave Khadgar behind, and he refused to be the cause of even more heartbreak.

In the end it was Anduin who had found a solution. He had broken things off with Khadgar, knowing that he hadn’t been being fair to the Archmage, knowing that he’d only end up hurting the man more if he let this linger on. He’d requested their presence in the throne room, and both had been puzzled at the sight of the other members of the Council of Six standing near the throne.

Khadgar was told, in kind words that still felt like a slap, that he was being removed from the Council, that he was needed elsewhere. Khadgar had tried to disagree with them, but when the King told him that they had found a way to send Lothar home, he knew just why they had said that. It was with a new lightness in his heart that Khadgar found himself following Lothar through the portal into another world.

And only then, after the portal closed behind them, leaving them standing in the throne room of Stormwind Castle, the Stormwind Castle of Lothar’s homeworld, did Lothar turn to Khadgar, taking the Archmage into his arms and kissed him properly.

Maybe the proclamation at his birth had been misread, maybe not, but Khadgar knew that the world of his birth no longer was his home. He looked into Lothar’s blue eyes and felt a smile come to his face, one he hadn’t worn in longer than he could remember. He didn’t know what this world would have in store for him, for them, but he knew one thing for certain.

No longer would his only purpose be to serve.


End file.
